pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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