that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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