I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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