saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
