so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
