you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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