You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
we're making bets on your personal life
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
