true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
