i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
