Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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