Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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