I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
is that a dick in a sweater?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
