He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
