if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
sex in a hospital.. check
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
