good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society