he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.