I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
