TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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