So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
