I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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