Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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