Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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