Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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