Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
