bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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