Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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