I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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