i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
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I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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