i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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