just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
