I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
