so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
