dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
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