My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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