Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
