We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
