i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
