I puked a lego.
i would punch a child for taco bell
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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