yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
