Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
