glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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