Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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