I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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