now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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