The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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