I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
