Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
