I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
