i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
