Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
