I didn't shave. On purpose
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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