I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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