Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
