i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
