Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
