he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Well I just put wine in my tea
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
