Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
